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MTA Rider Gives Up Seat To Pregnant Rat
5+ hour, 29+ min ago (103+ words) The Onion Second Amendment Advocate Shoots His Mouth Off Government Watchdog Rolls Over Sparkler Strapped To Penis Cat Taught Not To Sleep In Wok Wife Embarrasses Husband In Front Of Prostitute Nation's Elderly Hit Hard By Closing Automatic Doors That…...
Ob-Gyn Warns Alex Cooper To Avoid Public Feuds In First Trimester
1+ mon, 2+ week ago (321+ words) The Onion Bank Gets House In Divorce Mass Grave Not Even That Big AI Email Summary Longer Than Email Man Wants To Find Algorithm, Scream "I Don't Have Toenail Fungus' At It Man With Undetected Pancreatic Tumor Finally Starts Flossing…...
Surrogate Not Allowed On Furniture
1+ mon, 4+ week ago (151+ words) SADDLE RIVER, NJ'Saying "Down, down!" in an assertive voice and repeatedly spraying her with water, local man Justin Landry emphasized to reporters Thursday that his surrogate was not allowed on the furniture. "I feel bad, but this couch is expensive,…...
You're Not Wrong, Babies Are Getting Worse: Enshittification Comes For A Once-Beloved Classic
2+ mon, 1+ week ago (116+ words) The post You're Not Wrong, Babies Are Getting Worse: Enshittification Comes For A Once-Beloved Classic appeared first on The Onion. Busty Friend Pulls Flask, Cocktail Glass, Lawn Chair Out Of Cleavage Moat Already Paying For Itself Amber Alert Describing Wienermobile…...
Nation's Women: "We're Pregnant!'
2+ mon, 3+ week ago (197+ words) WASHINGTON'In a surprising collective announcement that left the American public hugging and crying tears of joy, the nation's women declared Wednesday that they were pregnant, confirming en masse that "it's yours. Our little blessing is due in October, the chorus…...
Study: Infants Respond To Rustling Of Potato Chip Bag As Early As 3 Weeks
3+ mon, 1+ week ago (243+ words) ITASCA, IL'In what researchers are hailing as an incredible breakthrough in the understanding of early childhood development, a study published Friday by the American Academy of Pediatrics concluded that most infants can respond to the rustling of a potato chip…...
Study: 93% Of Baby Boomers Fathered By Single Virile Milkman
3+ mon, 2+ week ago (300+ words) PASADENA, CA'In what many have hailed as a groundbreaking discovery in the field of genetics, scientists at the California Institute of Technology published a study Thursday revealing that up to 93% of American baby boomers were fathered by a single virile…...
RFK Jr. : "Time In Hot Cars Helps Babies To Sweat Out Toxins
4+ mon, 2+ week ago (275+ words) WASHINGTON'In a new claim challenging traditional pediatric norms regarding infant safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced Tuesday that being left in a hot car could "help babies sweat out toxins." "Roll up the windows, park in…...
RFK Jr. Questions'Efficacy'Of Skin
5+ mon, 3+ day ago (342+ words) WASHINGTON'In a firm dismissal of decades of scientific research and real-world data on the organ's benefits and safety, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. publicly questioned the efficacy of skin Wednesday while testifying before Congress. "Everything we know…...
Bullshit Newborn Not Even Christ
6+ mon, 1+ week ago (232+ words) READING, PA'Saying the snot-nosed brat sure as hell better not expect any damn frankincense or myrrh, sources confirmed Friday that a bullshit newborn wasn't even Jesus Christ, the Son of God. There's not a fucking chance this useless goddamn baby…...