News
Parents Choose Abortion After Devastating News That Their Baby Would Be Among Happiest Demographic On Earth
3+ hour, 14+ min ago (29+ words) SALEM, OR - Local parents Terry and Jessica Pritchard decided to abort their baby after receiving the devastating news that he would be among the happiest demographic on the planet....
Trump Presents King Charles With Autographed Copy Of Declaration Of Independence
1+ mon, 1+ week ago (223+ words) WASHINGTON, D. C. " President Donald Trump welcomed King Charles III and Queen Camilla to the White House on Monday for a brief joint press conference in which he presented the British monarch with an autographed copy of the Declaration of Independence. Trump…...
Couple Worries Having A Baby Could Cut Into Time They Spend Sitting On The Couch Staring At Their Phones
1+ mon, 3+ week ago (218+ words) AUSTIN, TX " Local couple Tyler and Madison Hansen expressed grave concerns this week that having a baby might significantly disrupt the many hours a day they currently spend sitting three inches apart on the sofa staring at their respective i…...
Man Smokes Cigar In Desperate Hope To Feel Sick And Become Unattractive To Wife
2+ mon, 2+ week ago (205+ words) HOUSTON, TX " Local man Matthew Coggins lit up a cigar this afternoon in a bid to feel terribly nauseous while simultaneously causing his wife to find him utterly repulsive. With his stomach feeling perfectly normal as he enjoyed a nice…...
Researchers Confirm That During Childbirth, Women Feel Almost The Same Amount Of Pain A Man Feels When He's Stuck Walking Behind A Slow Person | Babylon Bee
4+ mon, 7+ hour ago (273+ words) U. S. " A study conducted by the National Institutes of Health (NIH) appeared to demonstrate that women experiencing childbirth feel almost the same amount of pain a man feels when he's stuck walking behind a really slow people. "Maybe now my wife…...
Child Who Looks Like Perfect Angel While Sleeping Transforms Into Demonic Hellion Upon Waking Up
6+ mon, 2+ day ago (186+ words) MILWAUKEE, WI " In one of the greatest deceptions known to mankind, a child who spent her entire nap looking like a perfect little angel while asleep transformed into a demonic hellion immediately upon waking up. According to Melissa Stevens, the…...
AOC Tells Mom Giving Birth To Get A Real Job
7+ mon, 1+ week ago (201+ words) BRONIX, NY " According to witnesses at the scene, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez burst into a birthing suite at local Montefiore Hospital to tell off a woman in labor that she should get a real job. "All you do is lay around,…...
Woman Awarded Trophy For Enduring 17 Hours Of Senseless Agony Instead Of Getting Epidural
7+ mon, 1+ week ago (122+ words) MILWAUKEE, WI " After hours of horrifying agony and non-stop screaming, local woman Jessica Poulter was awarded a cool trophy for giving birth without an epidural. The entire staff of the hospital held a parade in her honor, praising her for…...
Baby Attains 3rd-Degree Blackbelt In Rolling Out Of Diaper Changes
7+ mon, 3+ week ago (162+ words) GREENWOOD, MO " Martial arts enthusiasts celebrated a historic achievement this week, as a local baby attained a 3rd-degree black belt in rolling out of diaper changes. Jack Thellman, a 12-month-old child, reached a new level of mastery in his chosen…...
Pregnant Women Begin Downing Tylenol In Hopes Sons Will Start Electric Car Companies And Become Billionaires
8+ mon, 1+ week ago (216+ words) U. S. " A new popular trend was reported to be sweeping America in the wake of HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy's announcement linking the use of a popular over-the-counter painkiller to a higher risk of autism, as pregnant women began downing Tylenol in…...